free at last free at last!

Saturday was a day that is known as the slaves are free.... that's how i feel at the moment i am no longer dreading monday... i finally am feeling what the slaves felt all those years ago.. FREE..  i know a lot of people don't understand this and i really don't know how else to describe it ... but i'm finally happy

i'd like to return back to normal please!

sometimes i catch myself wanting to scream BUT OUT!

we all know that i haven't spoken to my aunt mary for a few years... and what peaceful years they have been.  well with everything that is going on with my grandmother i was forced into seeing her as well as many other family members that i don't tend to see.  this hasn't been an easy time in fact it's been a self draining time... i visit with my grandmother 5 days a week... only skipping 2 because of obligations that i'm unable to change... and i tend to stay about an hour.. with me closing the family out on sunday as it has become a customary event.  this week i had some health issues myself and yet there i was making sure that i took the time to go and visit with her... i did take care of what was needed on my end but it wasn't a painfree experience.. basically i feel as if i bend over backwards to make sure that i allow myself even 15 minutes of seeing her.... 15 minutes that is our time that nobody can steal from me... her memory will steal her knowledge of the event of us being together but i'm ok with this since it's how life has to be.
today i found out that the aunt that i haven't broken away from has scheduled me to have Easter dinner at the faclitiy with my grandmother.... now yes this is something that i have thought about in the past few days... yet i dont need to be told by her that it is something that i will be doing.  it gets better... it turns out that she bought my ticket for me ... we're not talking a ton of money here.. 15$ to have dinner with my grandmother and avoiding taking her out and throwing a fit when i would have to return her back to the 'home' (i don't like that term for this place but nothing else seems right :( ) i wanted to scream at my aunt for going above my head and planning my Easter with my grandmother... but i bit my tounge and went with the whole thing as i said good night to my grandmother and walked out of the room...

i just want to return back to how things use to be... and i don't see this happening... it really makes me sad.

Do I wish to be?

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away from everything that is going on in my life.  Butterflies have such a whimsical life.  They just flutter through life seemingly without a care in the world.  They're as light as can be with nothing holding them down.  Am I the only person who wishes that sometimes life was easier?  I'm not asking that everything in my life just be whisked away, however I would like things to slow down at some times.  I'd personally love to float in and out of some of the issues I've been facing.  My Grandmother is on the mend.  This is the best news personally... I have visited a hospital or a rehab for the last 3 weeks almost daily.  The nurses at Marlton Virtua were so kind to my family... for one they put up with us and with my crazy grandmother.  I mean nothing mean by calling her a "crazy" grandmother.  I know that she is unable to control her rants.  I have never been on the receiving end of one of these rants.  I've been lucky I suppose but I also know that my luck could run out one day.  One afternoon I might be on the receiving end of her grumpy day.  Just going to keep my fingers crossed that it doesn't happen any time soon!

My grandmother is not my only bump in the road.  I have written before that my grandfather is ill.  I'm unsure if I have said that he has a knee that just doesn't work.  He hobbles down the hallway on his way to visit gran daily.  He shows up 2 or 3 times a day to see her which is wonderful.  I'm sure that he's lonely at home alone.  Yesterday his knee gave out on him while visiting my grandmother.  He ended up collapsing in the hallway.  Thank God that this happened while he was in a location that someone was able to help him quickly.  Him falling at home alone scares me.  This is nothing that I can fear instead I have to live life and so does he.  Yes I'm a GP *grampas pet* therefore I'm sure that I tend to worry more about him than some of my other relatives.  When I voiced my concerns to my family this past week about worrying about Grampa... I was asked why would I worry about him?  Ummmmmmmmmm maybe because he's old and alone?  Or maybe because I love him.  All good answers I thought.

I hope that I'm not coming off as I'm complaining because really I'm not.  I know that i'm blessed to have my grandparents at my age.  I'm aware that people don't live forever however I'm not ready to face any loss.   I have voiced this over and over to the people that listen to me.  I've been spoiled my whole life to have such a great family... So maybe my life is better than a being a butterfly. 

Life has Been Busy!

So the last few weeks have really been running wild.  I've had very little time for Vic time and therefore my rants on here on my blog have come to a standstill.  This was not what I had planned when I began the blog, I made goal was to blog almost daily.  Well life got in the way as it often does.  Between everything that has been happening with my grandparents and having a lovely seasonal head cold life just hasn't been able to allow me time!
I had a great friend ask me why I give so much of myself others... To answer this with just one word is tough.  I often do what just feels right at that moment.  At the moment being there for my grandparents is number one.  Yes I know that I need to live my life and accept what is happening yet it's really hard when you see someone you love so much slipping away.  There may be a day that I am able to come to terms that my grandmother is no longer the same person she was just a short while ago in time.  However until that time comes I will do what needs to be done... even if that means I have to give more of my personal time up.  I'm not a fool I know when my body has reached the limit of saturation and when I have to back up and readjust what is going on.
All this running around and taking care of others has taken a toll on me.  I’ve developed a great giant head cold.  I'm now just doing my best to not have it turn into a full case of  bronchitis as it often does for me... fingers crossed!

4 day weekend!

I was very spoiled this weekend with a beautiful four day weekend!  I even had 2 days off from the bakery which basically meant 2 days of NOTHING!  For those of you that really know my daily life... this is extreemly rare.  However this has also re-introduced me to the sofa.   The sofa and I are very good friends... Today in fact I even allowed myself to take a nap with my favorite blanket and kindle in hand.  My body has really enjoyed these two days of bliss... but tomorrow i'm glad to return back to the rut I call life.  I'm not sure my sofa will miss me or not :(

a new old sweater...

I think that it is official, I have to much.  Yesterday I went into my closet and pulled out a cream sweater.  Not a new activity as it is well know that I have many sweaters.  However what makes this sweater different is the fact that it still had its tags on it.  Attached to he tag was the receipt which means it was a Christmas gift... great however I didn't receive a cream sweater this year!!  Upon looking at the receipt I learned that the sweater has been sitting in my closet since 2008... over 2 years I have stared at this sweater and have ignored it.  I'm not proud of this... It's really making me think about how I am blessed enough to have been given such a great life and a lot of the time I take advantage of this and just take it for granted... My goal is to find a way to change this about myself...

fantastic new pencil sharpener!

all was good again today in the first grade.  we have a new pencil sharpener.  i know that this might sound minimal to some of you however, this is a BIG deal in first grade.  after everything that happened this week the pencil sharpener was a great way to end the week!



Alzheimer's

Today my world as it is known changed forever.  33 years of what I thought was a perfect life was completely changed.  My grandmother was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's... It's such an ugly term.  My grandfather has cancer and yet this doesn't bother me nearly as much as Alzheimer's.  Cancer can be fixed in a lot of cases, however there is no cure for Alzheimer's.  Yes there are medications that can be taken to help slow down the process but in the end there will be a day that my grandmother no longer knows me.  The idea of this saddens me.  None of this is my grandmothers fault, it's all part of getting old.  I can't say just yet how I will plan to handle any of this. 
After learning of this sad news I returned back to school to finish the day out.  I thought that by going back to school I would return back to 'normal' and be able to forget what is going on.  All was fine for about 15 minutes when someone wanted their pencil sharpened.  All normal things in first grade!  However when I went to plug the sharpener in it no longer works.  I'm not sure what happened but this caused me to break down and to sob in my classroom.  Thank God for a strong little girl in my room she was able to go and get another adult to take over for a me.  What a day!  Every day from today will be a new challenge and I look forward to this battle... because it will be a fight from here on!

personal wall..

I wonder why I build a wall around my heart.  I don't tend to allow people in to learn what makes me tick of sorts.  I can at least admit that I do this, but for some reason I don't know how to stop it.  I have had a great friend try many times to break this wall... and sadly they've given up.  I often wonder what if...

Evesdropping...

I found myself feeling sorry for a complete stranger today.  I was sitting at the doctors office waiting for my grandfather to be seen when a lady came in.  Nothing strange about this but I over heard the lady saying that she couldn't fill out the form because she can't read.  This lady was as old as my mom if not older and I couldn't help but wonder how she escaped school without the gift of knowing how to read.  How did/do educators allow this to happen?  She took the forms and went and did what she could.  She asked the guy sitting next to her for help and he ignored her.  At which point the lady from behind the counter came over to ask if she needed help and together they filled the papers out together.   If I had been sitting closer I would have helped this lady if the lady hadn't come from behind the counter.  I'm thankful that she saw this patient was in need and did her job by helping her.  Maybe the older gentleman had a reason for not wanting to help her... I'm not to say because I don't know him.. Maybe he's deaf!

On another note today proved to be a great day with my grandfather.  We drove all around half of south jersey ... sharing breakfast together and making sure to get flowers for my grandmother.  My grandfather is the one who is sick.... and yet he takes time today to remember that today is his 60th wedding anniversary and he wanted something to make her day better.  He's a great man and for this I find myself falling more in love with him as a rolemodle... I know i'm a lucky girl to have him!

follow your heart... at all cost.

This picture sums life up for me.  I was floating around online and came across this.... I was always taught to follow my heart and let it lead me in life.  At times this has caused me heartache however following my heart has also lead me to some wonder people and moments in life.   I'm a believer that everything always happens for a reason and that God has given them each of the chance to live life and explore all the good and even the bad. 

I don't always have a good day... I'm real I know that nobody always has a good day.  I live a very blessed life and I'm aware of this.  I try my best to not take advantage of this and do my best to live a full life.  I think its a shame that people waste the opportunity that is given to each and everyone of us... SHAME on you!

i'm loved....

i'm not sure if everyone knows... i know i haven't said much about this but my grandfather has cancer.  he had surgery last week and now we're just in the waiting to see if everything is ok... it's not that easy when your mind is floating with fear but i have to depend on my faith and hope that all works out for the best.... what else can i do?  i don't wanna dwell upon the fear yet i don't want to block it completly out of my mind because i have to face what might be the case.  still it's an ugly mind set... tomorrow, monday, i'm going to take him to and from the doctors to have his bandages removed... basically this means i'm taking a day off from school and setting in the doctors office tomorrow with my kindle while they clean his bandaids up...

this is such a role reverse for me... it's not the first time i've had to take care of someone else.. it's just the first time that i've had to take care of my grandfather... this is the man that took me to my girl scout father daughter dances... the man who has been everything to me... God has really blessed me.. i'm 33 and i have been given the worlds greatest grandfather... a man who is so kind and loving to me ... who has never judged me for what i've done with my life... the man who just loves me for me... i don't mind being a GP (grampas pet) not one bit... in fact i wear this title with honor... yet this doesn't lessen my fear of what could be.....

at least i can speak

this puppy of mine is spoiled... many times i've gone into my bedroom to find Mr Bell curled up under the blanket... i do wish my life was easy as he has it! but as i type that i know that i am glad that i'm not him... i mean he can't speak and i'm sure at moments he has found himself frustrated not being able to get his point across.. but i can't say this for sure since he hasn't told me so! :)



to share or not to share... that is the question

ok, so i have shared this new idea with a handful of people... i have laughed at the idea of one of them sqinting at the writing and trying to figure out just what i have said... this for some reason or another amuses me... i'm sorry if this hurts your feelings... i had another friend ask me why it is i don't use capital letters... i'm not really sure why i don't... it just doesn't happen that often... basically i just like the period mark and three of them at a time... it's just how i write when i'm flooding my thoughts out... is it how i write all the time no, just when it's for me! 

i have a new 'hobby' of sorts... i am using FOTO msgr... and for all you anti iphone uses... it's an app.. i was telling my 'friend' how i made this blog up and he said i really am not a geek for doing this! that made me feel a tad better about this whole blog thing!

my thoughts tend to flood at moments... and then at other moments they shut off... WHY IS THAT?!

Random Thoughts of Today...

i'm not sure how long i'll be doing this however somedays i have a lot of information that i'd like to share.  not so much information but just random thoughts... thoughts that might make some people say what did she mean by that?  or did she really say that?  yes i know that sometimes people wonder about what i might mean by some of my 'strange' or 'wacky' thoughts as someone calls them... but they are my thoughts and nobody can steal them from me.. and now i'm going to share them all!!! well at least all the ones that i am able to remember because i feel as if my brain is mush at the end of some days and saddly that robs me some of my 'zingers'  it's really a shame because i'm sure that sometimes the good ones are lost...