free at last free at last!

Saturday was a day that is known as the slaves are free.... that's how i feel at the moment i am no longer dreading monday... i finally am feeling what the slaves felt all those years ago.. FREE..  i know a lot of people don't understand this and i really don't know how else to describe it ... but i'm finally happy

i'd like to return back to normal please!

sometimes i catch myself wanting to scream BUT OUT!

we all know that i haven't spoken to my aunt mary for a few years... and what peaceful years they have been.  well with everything that is going on with my grandmother i was forced into seeing her as well as many other family members that i don't tend to see.  this hasn't been an easy time in fact it's been a self draining time... i visit with my grandmother 5 days a week... only skipping 2 because of obligations that i'm unable to change... and i tend to stay about an hour.. with me closing the family out on sunday as it has become a customary event.  this week i had some health issues myself and yet there i was making sure that i took the time to go and visit with her... i did take care of what was needed on my end but it wasn't a painfree experience.. basically i feel as if i bend over backwards to make sure that i allow myself even 15 minutes of seeing her.... 15 minutes that is our time that nobody can steal from me... her memory will steal her knowledge of the event of us being together but i'm ok with this since it's how life has to be.
today i found out that the aunt that i haven't broken away from has scheduled me to have Easter dinner at the faclitiy with my grandmother.... now yes this is something that i have thought about in the past few days... yet i dont need to be told by her that it is something that i will be doing.  it gets better... it turns out that she bought my ticket for me ... we're not talking a ton of money here.. 15$ to have dinner with my grandmother and avoiding taking her out and throwing a fit when i would have to return her back to the 'home' (i don't like that term for this place but nothing else seems right :( ) i wanted to scream at my aunt for going above my head and planning my Easter with my grandmother... but i bit my tounge and went with the whole thing as i said good night to my grandmother and walked out of the room...

i just want to return back to how things use to be... and i don't see this happening... it really makes me sad.

Do I wish to be?

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away from everything that is going on in my life.  Butterflies have such a whimsical life.  They just flutter through life seemingly without a care in the world.  They're as light as can be with nothing holding them down.  Am I the only person who wishes that sometimes life was easier?  I'm not asking that everything in my life just be whisked away, however I would like things to slow down at some times.  I'd personally love to float in and out of some of the issues I've been facing.  My Grandmother is on the mend.  This is the best news personally... I have visited a hospital or a rehab for the last 3 weeks almost daily.  The nurses at Marlton Virtua were so kind to my family... for one they put up with us and with my crazy grandmother.  I mean nothing mean by calling her a "crazy" grandmother.  I know that she is unable to control her rants.  I have never been on the receiving end of one of these rants.  I've been lucky I suppose but I also know that my luck could run out one day.  One afternoon I might be on the receiving end of her grumpy day.  Just going to keep my fingers crossed that it doesn't happen any time soon!

My grandmother is not my only bump in the road.  I have written before that my grandfather is ill.  I'm unsure if I have said that he has a knee that just doesn't work.  He hobbles down the hallway on his way to visit gran daily.  He shows up 2 or 3 times a day to see her which is wonderful.  I'm sure that he's lonely at home alone.  Yesterday his knee gave out on him while visiting my grandmother.  He ended up collapsing in the hallway.  Thank God that this happened while he was in a location that someone was able to help him quickly.  Him falling at home alone scares me.  This is nothing that I can fear instead I have to live life and so does he.  Yes I'm a GP *grampas pet* therefore I'm sure that I tend to worry more about him than some of my other relatives.  When I voiced my concerns to my family this past week about worrying about Grampa... I was asked why would I worry about him?  Ummmmmmmmmm maybe because he's old and alone?  Or maybe because I love him.  All good answers I thought.

I hope that I'm not coming off as I'm complaining because really I'm not.  I know that i'm blessed to have my grandparents at my age.  I'm aware that people don't live forever however I'm not ready to face any loss.   I have voiced this over and over to the people that listen to me.  I've been spoiled my whole life to have such a great family... So maybe my life is better than a being a butterfly.